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5 point method for handling  hecklers

1. Square off your feet. Take one step towards them, and repeat whatever it is they just said. This will ensure that everyone in the crowd is aware of what is going on and it buys you an extra 5 seconds to size them up.

2. Size them up. Look for any birth defects, ethnic impurities, sexual deviations, like homosexuality or in a perfect world, they are the 3rd or 5th wheel at their table). Like Wild Kingdom, or Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a predator must separate and destroy the weak.

3. Destroy the weak. Kill them with kindness. You have already established that there is a douche bag iin the house, now you have to establish that you as the comedian are a good and decent person. This will enable you to push the heckler towards suicide following the performance. Say something nice about the heckler with as little irony and sarcasm as possible. This will throw him/(drunken) her off balance.

4. Pushing the heckler over the edge. Take the spark of pity that you have created from step 3, and douse it with one gallon barrel high octane comedic cruelty. The table has been set and now it’s time for the heckler to eat a basket of deep-fried shit (which will count as part of his two drink minimum). He will want very badly to walk out the door at this point.

5. Kicking him out the door. Don’t stop. You are not only policing this situation but sending a message to any other potential hecklers in the crowd. Pile on and then pile on a little bit more. And then a lot more. It may feel wrong, but let’s face it, but let’s face it, you are telling dick jokes to drunks in a mini-mall, not lecturing on public safety to a middle school.

The crowd has two choices at this point, the Philadelphia Flyers “Nananana.. hey, hey, hey, hey… good-bye” song or feeling sorry for the heckler and turning on you. The latter is preferred (latter means second, by the way). Now you have license to ejaculate all childhood rage in the faces of these ungrateful laid off factory workers, calling themselves a crowd. I once experienced this an hour and 10 minutes into a set in Minneapolis. I informed the crowd that because of their failure, I would be walking all 300 people from the room. For the next 45 minutes, I assaulted them with AIDS jokes, 911 jokes and Viking jokes, while counting the numbers down as people paid their checks and left. When I hit 200, I congratulated the survivors and did 10 classic minutes from the Fitz of Laughter album, available if you email your receipt for my book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons to Alice at fitzdogradio@gmail.com

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  • Wendy Simmons

    This is great! I promise never to heckle you. Glad to see you are coming to SF in June. Can't wait!

  • JayCeezy

    This is a clinic that should be attended by every potential audience member who walks into a comedy club (or even a $hitty one-nighter.) It should be printed out on cards in several languages, and made part of the DMV driving test.

    It should be read aloud over the P.A. system before the show starts, along with telling people to shut OFF their cellphones and stop talking.

    I never understand the audience member who wants to get in on the act. Never heard a heckler say one thing worth repeating. They are jealous little humps who can't stand that they are not the center of attention, and think by disrupting the show or making the comic look bad that somehow they will appear clever or worthy.

    As an audience member, I want to hear a comic's jokes that he was worked years to write and hone. Not some drunk yelling $h1t. I paid to see professional comics, not @$$holes who didn't get enough attention in childhood.

    Fitzdog, I heard you get after a heckler (who's disruption contributed nothing and broke the show momentum) on the Carolla podcast and you were terrific at getting the room back on track to watch the show. You are the best!

  • Scott

    Want to start stand-up i should print this and put it in my notebook. haha.

  • DZ

    Was that during your most recent trip to Minneapolis? I was at a Thursday night show and I thought it was relatively heckler free.

  • lwkejbvpwie

    So's your mother! I know you are, but what am I?! Oh yeah? OH YEAH?! (Feel free to use those)

  • Andrew.

    Awesome dude, fucking awesome. I'm just starting some stand up around my town to try and get my name out there, but I haven't had a heckler yet. I want one though, because I think that's where the true comedy comes from.

    You're killing it on the Carolla Podcast, and I love listening to you on Sirius.

    Take it easy man,

    Andrew.

  • JayCeezy

    Andrew, wait until you get a heckler that bellows during your punchline. Or someone in the front row that nobody can hear while he whispers to you. Or "fake laughs" when you tell a joke that doesn't quiiiiiiiiiite get the response you want. Then, let us know if THAT is where the true comedy comes from.

    Take it easy man,

    JayCeezy

  • Peter

    Greg- that was such a perfect list. I'm crying, laughing and terrified to heckle you all at the same time. Please come to Louisville.

  • axhed

    where you at andrew?

  • Travis H

    He could be anywhere, "axhed"! I suggest you start your search in a 6th grade English class, though.

  • mark medlin

    I want to make a negative comment because im drunck and every one else has something positive to say.

    Well Fuck you….. you suck greg and you look like a fag.

    Just kidding. I want to suck your little irish cock until you jiss into my face yeeaaaaaaaaaaa.

  • http://www.rootband.com/ Larry

    Greg- that was such a perfect list. I'm crying, laughing and terrified to heckle you all at the same time. Please come to Louisville.

  • http://www.arisemichigan.com/ Dave

    I want to make a negative comment because im drunck and every one else has something positive to say.

    Well Fuck you….. you suck greg and you look like a fag.

    Just kidding. I want to suck your little irish cock until you jiss into my face yeeaaaaaaaaaaa.

  • http://www.indexaudio.com/ Simon

    Greg- that was such a perfect list. I'm crying, laughing and terrified to heckle you all at the same time. Please come to Louisville.