Wounded Warriors Project

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This is a great organization that deserves all the support it can get. Visit their site to see all the ways you can contribute.

If you want to make a one-time donation, please click here.

PROVIDE COMFORT FOR AN INJURED WARRIOR WITH A ONE-TIME DONATION

Please click here if you would like to make a gift in honor or memory of an individual.

If you would like to become an Advance Guard monthly donor, please click here.

Wounded Warrior and quote
Your generous, tax deductible donation to Wounded Warrior Project enables us to help thousands of injured warriors returning home from the current conflicts and to provide assistance to their families. As the number of wounded steadily increases, it is easy to see how the needs of these brave individuals also increase.


Steven Wright

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Steven Wright joins the show to talk with Greg about his monotone delivery, doing stand up in Boston, and working in a lot of violent movies.

To support the Wounded Warrior Project click here.

 

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I’m a Winner!

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Competition has no place in the world of comedy. Right?

Wrong. Not where I come from. I started being funny because my father was an alcoholic who ignored my brother and me. We competed for whatever attention we could get, and I won by being funnier than he was, because drunks love to laugh. Every dinner in my house was a Friday Night Late Show and it was like I was the raunchy guitar act and my brother was an alternative comic. It wasn’t even close.

I grew into a skinny teenager who sucked at sports. Standing around watching the dumb jocks get all the hot girls, I eventually started making fun of the jocks. Suddenly the girls started having sex with me. Not liking this new development, the jocks beat me up. The status quo returned to normal with the hot girls settling down with an unwanted child in a bank-owned house with their in-laws renting out the attic. I headed off to the comedy clubs.

When I started doing standup in Boston I’d be allowed onstage only after the regulars had all killed. They’d strut off stage and say, “Follow that motherfucker.” It was heartless and I swore that I would teach the next wave of comics what I’d learned so they might have an easier time of it. I’d get up there in front of those drunken Mass-holes wearing Celtics jackets and mullets and get pummeled until I learned how to kill just as hard as the guys ahead of me. I remember my first early spot. The crowd was on fire and it felt so amazing that I did an extra 10 minutes just to really bury the new guy coming on after me. It felt pretty sweet.

This country is founded on competition and you can’t fight it any more.

Women can get bigger tits so they do. Small-breasted women call that cheating, but you know what I call the small-breasted women? I don’t. Nobody does, because they have small breasts. Get in the game ladies!

Darwin taught us that even sex is about competition. When I was 14 my best friend made a wager with me: whoever loses their virginity first wins $20 from the other guy. We put in a clause that the loser has a week to lose his virginity to nullify the wager. Two short years later he lost his virginity to Linda Franco. With a week to scramble and save myself $20 and the humiliation of being the Last Virgin Standing, I too lost my virginity. And I did it with 4 hours to spare. And I did it with Linda Franco. Was I ashamed? Why would a winner be ashamed? (We both caught Chlamydia).

That competitive spirit is not lost between my wife and I. When I achieve orgasm before she does I jump up and scream, “I won! I won!” And someday when she busts a nut first, I hope she will do the same. But I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I’m pretty fast.

We live in America, and like it or not we have the most vibrant economy on the planet and it’s because we compete. The weak are sidelined as the most ferocious and creative and hungry explode through. It is indelicate and it is uncouth, but it is who we are.

Every Christmas, I hand out $20 Starbucks Gift Cards to every single employee at my agency’s Christmas Party. The other clients stand around embarrassed at their thoughtlessness. Is it awkward for me knowing that these cards have no value because I swiped them up off the counter display? No. It’s awkward for the employees when they try to redeem them. That’s called being a winner.

Now I am raising my own children and although I no longer drink, I don’t want these lessons lost on them. So when I play soccer against my son I let him beat me. That way he knows how good it feels. And eventually when he starts boasting that he’s better at soccer than me, I will unleash an unholy tsunami of shots into his net leaving him crying and looking for his mother. Because it’s just as important that he knows how bad it feels to be a loser.


Beth Lapides

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Beth Lapides joins Greg to talk about the stylings of alternative comedy, doing stand up in the 80′s, stories from the UnCabaret club, having friends as bosses and Overheards.

Watch my buddy Tom Cotter on AGT.

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Late Show Appearance

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Greg does stand up on The Late Show with David Letterman.


Greg on David Letterman

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Greg returns to the stage of The Late Show with David Letterman.


Willie Garson

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Greg talks to actor Willie Garson about playing a gay man on TV, acting in just about every movie/TV show under the sun, long days on NYPD Blue and adopting a child as a single dad. Plus overheards

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LIVE at Nerdist Theater Video!

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Greg and Guest Chris Hardwick discuss the John Travolta matter during the LIVE Fitzdog Radio Podcast at Nerdist theater!It’s like you’re actually there.


Fan Art

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Grapefruit Simmons by Ryan Kramer
www.Toonhole.com


Kelly Carlin

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Kelly Carlin and Greg talk about her dad, George Carlin’s parenting style, her radio show on Sirius, and her live one woman show. Also some overheards.

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Listen now — Click HERE for the direct link to the mp3 of this episode, or do yourself a favor and click HERE to subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and get it automatically from now on. Do us a favor and leave a nice review and rating on iTunes while you’re there, it helps us a TON.


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