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1)“THE SLOW HOME EVICTION”.

If your unmotivated grad moves back home, charge him/her $2 a day for rent for the first month (Total $60).  Then charge $4 a day for rent in the 2nd month (Total $120).  The rent by the 6th month will be $1,920.  You will not know or care how they came up with the cash, but your mortgage is covered and you’ve taught job skills to your child.

2) “NO NEPOTISM”

Do NOT set your child up for a job with a good friend of yours.  He/she will embarrass you with their alcoholism and sexually aggression while being resented by their co-workers for not having gotten the job on their own.

3) “MAKE THE GRADUATE ‘THE GRADUATE’

Insist that your loin-fruit break up with his/her college sweetheart.  Statistically, college couples that marry will divorce within 3 years (that statistic may be off because I just made it up).  In this period of his/her life they need to have an affair with an older person (ala “The Graduate”).  It is a master’s course in sexuality and an insight into the lonely sadness of a divorcee.

4) “YOUR OWN BOTTOMLESS CUP OF COFFEE”

Since your child will end up a barista, encourage him/her to work in a high-end cafe and not a Starbucks.  You can then drop by daily for a FREE Venti whatever-the–fuck you want minus the stink eye when you put zero cash in the tip jar.

5) “A GODFATHER IS A GOOD FATHER”

A student loan is no different than money borrowed from a loan shark on the street.  Remind your child of this in real terms.  Threats of repossessing an automobile or breaking a leg need to be followed through on if the child is falling short on a payment.  A broken thumb is nothing compared to Fanny Mae scarring your credit score down the road.

 

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