Overheards

A 6 year old is walking in downtown Sacramento with her father. Girl: Dad, why do people believe i god? Father: because some people cannot handle that they are going to die honey. ” – Blake Flow

Overheard in a bar: I used to be really slutty before I got pregnant. Not whorish, though. – Ron

Some guy on the train in Newark just said “Guy teached me how to learn.” Did he? – Stephen Nicks

Two guys at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago looking at the jellyfish. Guy #1: Wow. These jellyfish are taking my soul. It’s like looking into Gods eye or something. Guy #2: Fucking queer. – Brian Romanowski

Woman to a young mother: Oh, is your baby a boy or a girl? Mom: A boy. Woman: Oh, boys are harder to raise. Mom: Really? Woman: Yes, boys are three times more likely to hurt or kill their parents. – Ron Richardson

Boarding flight from San Francisco to Seattle, young couple standing just outside the gate: girl says in hysterical tone “I have never seen anyone so miserable on a vacation!” He responds through gritted teeth “You make me miserable!” – Brad Sachs

Gigantic black lady in a motorized wheelchair at Pier 39 in San Francisco watching her young children chase seagulls “Darnel, stop fuckin wit them sea ghosts!” – Robert

On a crowded North Side Chicago Street corner (aka white), a police car flashes its siren to get through a light. Two clean cut black men yell “Oh Shit” and start to run away, only to stop and continue casually walking a half-block later. – Ben

Girl in her mid-20s, with one shoe on, sitting at an Arizona Greyhound Station talking on her cell phone: Girl: Oh I guess Obama raised the minimum wage to $9 bucks an hour… Oh but those damn South Koreans are starting shit with us now. Or those North Koreans…whatever you know the F***IN’ KOREANS! – Ramón Valle

Overheard, a professor explaining what would happen if they screwed up on an assignment. He responded, “Get ready to see my inner asshole.” Thankfully, he didn’t mean that in a literal sense.  – Matt

Party of 15+ African- American guests receive the check after dinner.  Man who receives the check yells to his guests in the most ghetto voice possible, “who the hell ordered the gra-too-i-tie! That shit is expensive! Obviously this is the gratuity automatically charged for a large party. Funniest thing I have ever heard, but hard to write in an email. Hope it translates the way I heard it! – Rheana Karitsiotis

Guy to girlfriend in Wal-mart: “You’re prettier when you don’t talk.” – Jack Jack

At the Logan airport: young brother to sister: what’s a terrorist? young sister: it’s like a balcony. – @aKimiThing

While Working At A New School Being Built In Joplin Mo. With around Seventy People Working There A Guy Yelled, “Hey Douche Bag!”” At Least Twenty Guys Said “”What?”” In Unison.” – Thaddeus Presley

In Allentown WalMart, two black dudes with Latino accents: “But listen, only Einstein be 20/20.” – Jospeh

Soccer mom yelling out the car window to her 9 year old son. “Tavaris. you got all your shit?” – Steve

40-year old woman walks out of a hospital room and is walking towards the elevator. She leans over to a second lady and says…”I like her better after the stroke”. – Joe

Nurse: ” NO! Drinking coffee does NOT make your pee BLACK!” – Felicia from Ontario

We should hang out at Whole Foods more. – Jim O’Brien

“I’M NOT GON HAVE NO WHITE JESUS ON MY WALL!” Said (yelled) one young black man to another while walking down the street. Unclear whether joking or seriously mad about someone trying to put a white Jesus on his wall. They weren’t laughing though. – Ray

I took my daughter to play basketball at the playground and there was a chubby 10 year old sitting on a basketball and he said to his friend “mom told me to go outside and play, so I took my Nintendo ds outside and played, she’s a stupid bitch” – Dave Lease

At a Philadelphia Phillies game on a light rainy Saturday late game.. Drunk guy from the back says to a guy who just opened an umbrella a few rows up.. “Mary Poppins, put away the FUCKING umbrella!!!” – Sean

A gaggle of 12 year old boys were sitting at a table enjoying their meal when one of them dropped a taco on the floor. After a few seconds of stunned silence, a chubby child yells out through a mouthful of food “YOU CUNT!!!” – Nick

 

Fly on the Walls

When the Seals took town Bin Laden, there was a 15 minute window between the helicopter crashing and breaking down the door. Fly On The Wall: in the room with Bin Laden, with a translator, with him and one of his wives waiting for it to happen. – James

Kobe Bryant “anal rape ordeal” and/or sadly Treyvon Martin shooting. – Fury

I think it would have been super gnarly to be a fly on the wall and listen to the conversation between NBA hall famer Dennis Rodman and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. What’s the point? – Oakley Haines

i’d love to be a fly on the wall in that new york hotel room a couple years ago when dominic strauss kahn supposedly attempted to rape the african housekeeper. in case you don’t remember, it cost him the nomination for president, and she apparently had a lot of money in her bank account that couldn’t be accounted for. – Rob Love

Being a fly on the wall in the Pixar studios when the person realized that they accidentally erased the entire movie Toy Story 2 by messing with the computer code. – Tony

1979, the U.S. computers (errantly) indicated that the USSR had launched a full-scale nuclear strike on the US. Over the next six minutes, planes were launched and nuclear missiles initialized for an immediate retaliatory strike. Senator Charles Percy, who happened to be at NORAD headquarters during this event, said the reaction was one of overwhelming panic and terror. 1) Who wouldn’t want to see that? Generals shitting their pants? Did they laugh when it was over? Did someone get fired (or even killed)? Any heart attacks? Prayers? Stress-relief sex? – Bob

First time Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie – Ryan

·Dick Cheney’s first talk with his daughter about her homosexuality! – Patrick

·Noah’s ark, virgin birth, Jesus rising from the dead…! – BL

I’d like to be a fly on the wall when Edwin Hubble realized that the Andromeda Gas Cloud was in fact a Galaxy, increasing the size of the universe almost incomprehensibly. Talk about a ‘Holy shit!’ moment. – Robbie

The Mormon leadership meeting when they “received a sign from god” and decided to let black people join. – Ben O’Dell