Advice to Parents of College Graduates

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1)“THE SLOW HOME EVICTION”.

If your unmotivated grad moves back home, charge him/her $2 a day for rent for the first month (Total $60).  Then charge $4 a day for rent in the 2nd month (Total $120).  The rent by the 6th month will be $1,920.  You will not know or care how they came up with the cash, but your mortgage is covered and you’ve taught job skills to your child.

2) “NO NEPOTISM”

Do NOT set your child up for a job with a good friend of yours.  He/she will embarrass you with their alcoholism and sexually aggression while being resented by their co-workers for not having gotten the job on their own.

3) “MAKE THE GRADUATE ‘THE GRADUATE’

Insist that your loin-fruit break up with his/her college sweetheart.  Statistically, college couples that marry will divorce within 3 years (that statistic may be off because I just made it up).  In this period of his/her life they need to have an affair with an older person (ala “The Graduate”).  It is a master’s course in sexuality and an insight into the lonely sadness of a divorcee.

4) “YOUR OWN BOTTOMLESS CUP OF COFFEE”

Since your child will end up a barista, encourage him/her to work in a high-end cafe and not a Starbucks.  You can then drop by daily for a FREE Venti whatever-the–fuck you want minus the stink eye when you put zero cash in the tip jar.

5) “A GODFATHER IS A GOOD FATHER”

A student loan is no different than money borrowed from a loan shark on the street.  Remind your child of this in real terms.  Threats of repossessing an automobile or breaking a leg need to be followed through on if the child is falling short on a payment.  A broken thumb is nothing compared to Fanny Mae scarring your credit score down the road.


Where Everybody Knows Your Name

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Recently I’ve seen Starbucks counter people greeting regular customers by their names.   This is a nice thought, although not very difficult since they’re already writing everyone’s names on their cups like we’re in pre-school.  But it is so obviously being encouraged by the corporate office to instill a ‘local flavor’ in the store.  The more you feel like this is a home away from home, and a caring loving sanctuary, the less you’ll notice that you are paying about seven times what you should be for a cup of coffee.

Maybe if they want the stores to seem more original, they should avoid having the same two characters behind the counter of every single Starbucks in the country.  It’s always the Gay Asian Guy with the nose ring and his best friend- The Sad Girl.  I once saw The Sad Girl at the milk steamer get blasted in the shirt with boiling foam.  She ripped her shirt off forgetting she had no bra on.  She then ran in the back screaming and the Gay Asian guy just looked at me and said, “That’ll be an extra two bucks”.

In L.A. a Starbucks is not a coffee shop; it is a Posers Lounge for the Vocationally Challenged.  Half the tables are filled with out of work screenwriters staring at hopelessly blank screens.  The other tables double as office space for startup money managers and insurance salesmen who need a place to meet with clients.  The screenwriters give the brokers dirty looks for being loud in their creative sanctuary.  But they light up when a new customer comes in.  You can feel the writers’ eyes on you as you enter.  Searching you for that spark that could inform a character in a script.  Something that will turn this 12-year career slump around so they can finally go home to Minneapolis for Christmas and tell the family, “I sold something Momma!  Your son is a winner!  Come on, I’m taking you all out to Starbucks for a Gingerbread Latte!  Venti!!”

Last week at the Starbucks on Wilshire in Santa Monica, I saw a homeless man shuffle in wearing a Comic Relief sweatshirt.  If any of the screenwriters had been searching for irony, he was lurking over by the “coffee fixins” station.  As the man began pumping whole milk into an empty cup he’d retrieved from the trash, the Gay Asian Guy swiftly threw the cup in the trash and hissed at the intruder, “Gary, you need to leave right now”.  Gary mumbled and retreated back to his shopping cart.  As he squeaked away I looked inside and saw something teetering on the edge of the cart between a rolled up blanket and a stack of newspapers.  I realized instantly how the Gay Asian Guy knew his name.  Splattered with coffee stains, the letters faded from years of pounding, sat a typewriter.  Old now.  Useless.  Trash.


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