Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons has achieved success as a stand-up, Emmy Award winning writer and host on both radio and TV. A regular with David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, and Jay Leno, Greg has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show”. He also hosts “The Greg Fitzsimmons Show,” on Sirius XM’s “Howard 101” and twice a week puts out the hugely popular “FitzDog Radio” Podcast.
Greg will be hosting a new series on The Speed Channel called “Pumped” and is a frequent panelist on “Chelsea Lately”. His 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons, climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. The audio book will be released this fall.
In his spare time Greg is currently developing pilots for both Nickelodeon and VH1 (where he’s made many appearances on “Best Week Ever” and the “I Love the…” series). He has two Half-Hour Specials on Comedy Central, and in 2008 Greg made his entire family proud hosting the 25th Annual “AVN Adult Movie Awards” on Showtime.
Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie”, “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher”, “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for the MTV game show he hosted called “Idiot Savants”.
As I am writing this, I have a gun in my mouth. I do not like writing forewords, and shooting myself seems like a better option. Forewords are a waste of time. People ask me to write these hoping my name will add value and sell the book. It’s pointless. I’ve written them for Jackie “the Joke Man” Martling, Artie Lange, and Larry “Ratso” Sloman, and it didn’t do a damn thing but diminish my book-forewording value on the open market.
Greg asked me to write this and stupidly I said yes because I have psychological problems and can’t say no. I go to therapy three times a week and I still can’t say no. So, as I am writing this my extremely gorgeous wife that I enjoy having sex with is upstairs alone. Every minute I peck away on these keys is time away from my wife’s adorable vagina. Let’s see: Fuck my stunning model wife, or write a foreword for Greg? Okay, let’s get on with it. I’m not going to lie to you, I have not read Greg’s book and I don’t really know what it is about. Something about authority figures and not letting them shit on you. That’s all I know. The best thing I can do here is to tell you how I feel about Greg.
Greg is just like sunshine. He’s so sharp, so funny, so kind of bawdy. He brings so much to the character of Grandma Bunny. He’s just the most charming performer in the whole ensemble, I think. And that’s how I feel about Greg. Actually, that’s not how I feel about Greg. It is how Sigourney Weaver feels about Betty White. I stole this quote off an audiotape of Sigourney Weaver doing a press junket for her new film. She was asked about her costar and I’m so lazy I couldn’t even come up with my own adorable quote about Greg, so I just took hers. Even though these thoughts belong to Sigourney, it really is how I feel about Greg.
Now here are some of my original thoughts about Greg:
A.) He is heaven on earth.
B.) J. D. Salinger is a hack next to him.
C.) I used to think Richard Pryor was funny until I heard Greg. Richard Pryor was so jealous that he lit himself on fire after he watched Greg.
Two other facts about our author you should know.
1.) Karen Carpenter laughed so hard during Greg’s performance she threw up and killed herself.
2.) Michael Hutchins from INXS heard Greg’s comedy CD and hung himself while masturbating.
All of that is not true but here’s what is: Greg has a big penis. Really. Greg Fitzsimmons is also an outstanding comedian. He is a brilliant writer and performer, and should be a lot more famous than he is. He is so at ease on- stage, and I envy his ability to go up there and win a crowd over in seconds. I love him. You will, too. Greg, I do love you. I know that sounds fake, but I have a very warm feeling about you. There aren’t many people I know that I’d almost invite over to my house. I care about you; I don’t know why, I just do. You have balls of steel, and you are one of the funniest guests on my radio show. Thank you for endless hours of comedy, and congrats on getting the book deal you deserve. Now all of America will rejoice in your brilliance and avoid getting shit on by authority.